Urban, please enjoy these reviews of fall/winter movies I didn’t watch. I watched the trailers, though, and tried to condense my thoughts into one sentence each. Please make all your movie-going decisions based on these. Thanks.

The Martian

This is what would happen if Skyler got lost in space.

Release date: October 2, 2015

Pan

A sad British boy learns he has some value in this hopefully-less-racist-than-the original take on Peter Pan.

Release date: October 9, 2015

James Bond: Spectre

A sad British boy learns he has some value, part two.

Release date: November 6, 2015

The Good Dinosaur

Pixar decides to disregard all of our planet’s history in this silent film about a cave-child and his friend, a vicious, 50-ton reptile.

Release date: November 25, 2016

Victor Frankenstein

Harry Potter maintains the disturbing haircut he had in Goblet of Fire in this cinematic version of Frankenstein fan-fiction.

Release date: November 25, 2015

The Danish Girl

Yet again, Eddie Redmayne will win an Oscar by making you feel that your cheekbones are inadequate.

Release date: November 27, 2015

Sisters

Everyone cool is in this movie; see it.

Release date: December 18, 2015

Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Road Chip

Please don’t support this disgusting franchise by watching this movie.

Release date: December 18, 2015

The Revenant

In this American take on Game of Thrones, Leonardo DiCaprio will yet again fail to win an Oscar despite being mauled by a literal bear on screen.

Release date: December 25, 2015 (please do not see this on Christmas; it looks completely terrifying and is not what Santa would want)

Risen

Oh no people are going to be so mad about this movie oh no oh nooooo…

Release date: January 22, 2016