You should know that I am neither a psychiatrist nor a doctor, and you should not take my advice as the final word on the subject. If you believe you are in a life-threatening situation, speak to an adult. I also want to give a shoutout to Urban’s in-house experts, who helped me out, including Shafia Zaloom and Jenn Epstein, Urban health teachers, and Kaern Kreyling, Urban’s counselor.
Also, I want to shout out to our one and only Tumblr follower. It would be cool to get that number up. Check out dearyeti.tumblr.com for answers to even MORE questions and to get your questions answered.
My friend has a huge crush on this boy (it’s literally all she talks to me about) but I think she’s being too intense about it and I don’t know how to tell her to calm down a little. How do I tell her this nicely?
Does this boy like your friend back? This is the key question. If the answer is yes, you don’t have to worry about this issue for too long. One of them will probably ask the other out and then things will calm down because all her dreams will be realized. Or they won’t get together and their relationship will exist in a floating amoeba fraught with sexual tension. Usually these amoebas don’t last.
If he doesn’t like her back, you should recognize something: you’ve been here. Unrequited love. Be sympathetic. But if she’s annoying you, don’t let your conversation be dominated by something you don’t care about. If you have something more interesting to say, say it.
But this isn’t really your problem. Your problem is that your friend is being “too intense.” This is a whole ‘nother host of questions. How intense? Are we talking, “He’s so cute! Have you noticed his eyelid is dimpled?” Or are we talking, “I want to make a harness out of his ligaments”? If you are worried for this boy’s safety, obviously tell someone who can help. If you just think she’s more obsessed with him, than he is with her, maybe gently mention this. Self-deprecation is always good. Say, “Molly, sweetcheeks, I know you love him. But remember what happened with me and Jake? Oh, God, that was embarrassing.” The best part of this? Jake doesn’t even have to be real.
Hope that helps.
How do you ask someone out?
Oh boy. Ok. Time for a story from eighth grade.
I have a friend. Her name is “Lucinda.” One day, Lucinda choked on a grape. We were on the beach and a boy in our grade who was a Boy Scout ended up performing the Heimlich Maneuver on her and probably saving her life. After this momentous event, Lucinda fell hard for this boy we will call “Deke.”
There were a couple weeks of pain as Lucinda searched her soul, asking herself (and me) repeatedly, “Should I tell Deke I like him? Should I ask him out?” I didn’t know. I had no answers. I had once danced with a sweaty boy, but that was the extent of my experience.
And then, Anon, and then! SHE ASKED HIM OUT. I was blown away. Nothing like that had EVER HAPPENED.
He said no.
He was actually already dating a girl (meaning they texted a lot), but he hadn’t told anyone. Lucinda was devastated for about two days, and then she got over it. She had asked herself, before approaching Deke, “What’s the worse thing that can happen?” And then when it did happen it wasn’t that big of deal.
So, Anon, ask yourself: “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” And if the answer to that question is outweighed by this question: “What’s the best thing that can happen?” THEN DO IT. Please do it in person. Unless it comes up over text or G-mail Chat or whatever you kids do. If the person is texting you like, ‘Have you seen this movie?” and you’re like, “I should ask this person to see this movie with me!” you don’t need to drive to that person’s house to say, “We should see it together.”
GOOD LUCK, ANON, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE MINX.
What do you do when you can’t decide or fully understand your feelings about someone? It happens to me way too often, and I often lose opportunities because of my hesitations.
OH NO. This is the worst. I am sympathetic.
Because this is the “love and relationships” edition of Dear Yeti, I can only assume the “feelings” you are talking about are “romantic” or perhaps “sexual.” I assume you have been in the situations where the possibility of doing something with someone has arisen, in other words, the other person is “down,” and you decide not to do whatever it is you were about to do because you couldn’t decide whether or not you were “down.”
I’m hoping that didn’t sound sarcastic. Honestly. Good job. Don’t do something with a person who you aren’t sure you want to do the thing with. That’s the Number Two Rule of Doing Things.
Here’s my advice: if it’s something sexual, and you aren’t sure you want to do it because you don’t know how much you like the person, DON’T DO IT. Well. Don’t do it THEN. Do it after you’ve gotten to know the person a little better and then do it, if you want to.
A lot of people will tell you that when you’re really really old, you want to look back on your life and regret more the things you did do than you did do. Look. The only reason these people are telling you this is because they aren’t dead. There’s a whole lot of people who would rise up from the grave and tell you the opposite. It’s a lot easier to die from doing things than not doing things. This doesn’t really apply to sexual/hook up stuff because it’s hard to die from hooking up with someone (but not actually impossible) but it’s the same sort of principle. You have a lot more to lose than gain from hooking up with someone you aren’t sure about.
I’m not some old fuddy duddy. Be young. Be wild. Be free. Just be all those things with someone you actually like. Make up your mind first. And trust your instincts. Those instincts come from the cavemen times. They know what they’re talking about.
Good luck, pal.
How do I get a girl to have a crush on me?
You can’t. I’m sorry. There are very few things that are completely impossible to manipulate, but time and space and the crushes of adolescent girls happen to be some of them.
But there is the possibility that the girl you desire ALREADY has a crush on you, or that she has the potential for a crush buried somewhere inside her. So be nice. Hold doors. Smile. Wash your hair, brush your teeth, sit close to her, and make the occasional goofy face. Let her see what you’re good at. Be yourself, but cleaner.
Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t pick up on your hints. Don’t be surprised if she chooses what you perceive to be a dirty, snarky, frowny person over you. It’s nothing personal (after all, there might be a different girl who likes you, and you pay no attention to her because you’re into this other chick, but that’s nothing against her, it’s your personal preference). Just do your best, and see what comes from it.
This kid in my English class just won’t shut up. He talks for 5 minutes straight and somehow manages to NEVER say ANYTHING meaningful or helpful. And then when we are working in groups, he is silent until it is time to present and he talks the entire f*cking time! It always gets me frustrated and disrupts my learning big time. The teacher does little to deter him. How do I address this?
This is kind of a big problem. In a school where each class only gets about four hours of class time a week, the occasional wasted five minutes can be a major hindrance.
What’s weird is that your teacher isn’t doing anything about it, though I see where he/she is coming from. If I were a teacher, I would want to make sure every student in my class had a voice. So, I might struggle with cutting a kid off who is “silent” during groups (maybe he is shy). But I think I would also realize that when one kid’s voice impedes others, it needs to be cut off.
Go to your teacher, but don’t go alone. Bring one or two friends from your class who agree with you. (But keep it quiet—you don’t want this going back to the guy and hurting his feelings.) Let your teacher know, in person, that you feel your learning time is being interrupted. This will freak your teacher out a lot (they hate it when learning time is interrupted) and hopefully he/she will take it from there. Don’t cut the kid off yourself; this shouldn’t be your responsibility.
If no progress is made, grit your teeth and bear it. You only have a few more weeks.
How do I get laid?
First off, stop saying “laid.” Is this “Superbad”? Do you wear a backwards cap and spit chewing tobacco? No? I understand that you are horny and might be faced with the painfully pure white wall that is your unshakable virginity, but please stop saying “laid.”
You’re going to be fine. As a human being, it’s normal that you want to have sex, whatever that may mean for you. And it’s normal that you’re excited. But you’ve missed an important step here: The person who is going to “lay” you. If you’ve never had sex, you don’t know what to expect, and that’s totally ok. So you might want it to be with someone who makes you feel safe, comfortable, loved.
Here’s my sagely wisdom: Look at the question that asks “How do I get a girl to have a crush on me?” That kid is on the right track. I’d definitely be more likely to “lay” a person who asks me that than a person who says “Please. Sex. Now.”
Look for someone you love, someone who wouldn’t ever hurt you. A person who might make the same sloppy mistakes, or at least forgive you of yours. And then have a relationship with that person. And who knows, maybe you’ll eventually get “laid.”
P.S. Or go to a brothel.
P.P.S. Do not go to a brothel.
I dated someone for a while and I can honestly say that I was in love. I still am, really. We started hooking up again recently, and he treats me like his girlfriend. He has a picture of me on his desk, I’m his top Snapchat buddy, I have his spare key. He holds my hand in front of his friends, calls me “babe,” the whole thing. But occasionally he’ll just disappear for a couple of days and not talk to me, or blow me off and act like I don’t matter. What should I do?
I am afraid you are suffering from what we here in journalism class call, “being in love with a mean boy.” That may be a little harsh. Maybe he’s not mean, but he is taking advantage of you. You need to ask yourself, “What do I want from this relationship?”
It seems like he only wants you when it’s convenient. Only when he’s not sick of you; only when he’s in the mood. And when he’s not in the mood, he’s manipulative, hurtful, and has no regard for your feelings. Do you really want your picture on the desk of a person like that?
Are you looking for a casual hookup? No strings attached? No emotions, someone whose only purpose is to serve as proof that you are wanted? It seems to me that this is what he wants. You say you love him, but what you want is commitment.
Break up with him. You’ll get a new best friend on Snapchat.
I’m scared of growing up because I know that I can’t go back …. What should I do?
I feel like you’re not giving growing up the credit it deserves. Have you ever seen people in their 20s? Those people are ravishing. They have the world at their fingertips. They walk downtown with their coffees and their colored pants and they don’t have a single care about math tests or parties or going to lunch alone. This is because they are adult humans! They have freedom, which is exciting.
Obviously, being a teenager is fun, or at least, like, 52 percent fun. Being a kid was almost 90 percent fun, and of courseI miss running around in sprinklers and not having homework and sleeping for four hours and actually feeling excited about it, but you know what I don’t miss? Not being able to read big books, someone else buying my clothes, having to go everywhere with an adult. Sure, I wish I didn’t have to spend hours of every single day on a computer, but I’m still glad I know stoichiometry. I’m glad I can do the present perfect subjunctive tense in Spanish. I’m glad I’min charge of my future.
If you’re lucky, you will have had a childhood worth missing. And if you continue to be lucky, you will have an adult life worth looking forward to.
How do I ask someone to prom?
It can be very tempting to swoop in on your motorcycle, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers and a box of cupcakes that say “PROM?”. You might also feel the urge to do this in front of a large group of people. But take heed because the person you are asking can still say “no.” This is very important. Remember that. Your askee can always say no.
My recommendation is that if you aren’t absolutely, 100 percent certain of a “yes,” nor are you very willing to suffer humiliation, try doing something small. Literally, just ask. Say, “Would you like to go to prom with me?” This is your best bet to avoid embarrassment. Trust me.
But let’s say, for the sake of argument, you find this method boring. Let’s say you still want to do something big, but you don’t want to suffer the potentially red-faced consequences. My advice would be to do a “two-step” ask. First, approach or call — I guess you could text if you’re annoying — and ask the person if they’d be willing to go to prom with you. Say you’d like to ask them in a big way, but you want their permission first. Because, remember, not everyone enjoys the spotlight.
Lastly, do not be afraid to ask someone to prom! I think it’s fair to say that mostUrban students want to go with dates. And the answer is always a “no” if you don’t ask, right?
I like one of my teachers. This person is so beautiful; I am deeply in love. What do I do?
A few things you should know first off:
1) Your feelings are natural and you should not be ashamed of yourself.
2) A non-academic relationship between you and your teacher is not going to happen, nor should you try to make it happen.
3) If you think your teacher is flirting/reciprocating your feelings, tell someone. This could be your adviser, a parent, or someone at Urban, such as Kaern, Shafia or Jenn.
That being said, it’s okay to like your teacher. It’s probably helping you out in that class, because you’re working harder to try to impress him/her. Just don’t flirt or make anyone feel uncomfortable (this includes the other students in your class). Though it may seem unlikely now, these feelings will pass and hopefully you will fall for someone you can legally date.
Until then, play it cool.
I want to be in the U.S. Army. First off, I’m just pissed because in the Army, women can’t get as high of positions or really do anything like men can. Secondly, is this a waste of my entire education? I pay a shitload of money to attend Urban, so now, what? I’m going to get shot? I need to tell my parents; I really don’t want to run away. Is this wrong? Last time I began to bring the subject up, they reacted badly.
It seems you have three issues:
1) The issue of misogyny in the military.
2) The issue of worrying you are wasting your Urban education by joining up.
3) The issue of your parents reacting badly to your decision.
Numbers one and two are much easier to deal with than three. As long as you have done your research on how women are treated in the military, and you feel comfortable enough with what you’ve learned, you’re good to go. Yes, it is unfair that it might be harder as a woman to gain higher positions in the Army, but the best way to combat that is for more and more brave women like you to join up and show that they’re just as worthy. Misogynists will have won if they keep you out of the service.
In my opinion, you are in no way wasting your education — in fact, it is a testament to your Urban education that you want to do something this noble. The school should be proud to have a servicewoman as an alumna. Besides, it’s not like your education only counts once you’ve graduated. Enjoy your experience at Urban now, and understand that your education will continue in the military and beyond. You might also want to consider the ROTC program, which will provide you with a college scholarship at one of 1,000-plus colleges nationwide in exchange for your service.
With your parents, be patient but persistent. Show them the research that you’ve done and tell them why you want to join the military. You can even do a presentation if you want or make a pros-and-cons list. Understand that your parents are worried for you and give them time to digest this idea. Give yourself time, too. You’re making a very courageous and difficult decision, and it deserves deep thought.
For more information on this subject check out http://www.goarmy.com/rotc.html.
How do I get a date with Olive Lopez?
Olive Lopez (’15) gave me an inside report on the way to her heart. Lopez is a sucker for lavender kombucha ($3.99) and small seedless sourdough loaves (79 cents each), both of which are available at Haight Street Market. I suggest you buy these items and profess your love. If she says yes, you have a date. If she says no, at least you have some bread.
For more information about Olive Lopez, follow her at http://instagram.com/_olivelopez.